


The First Introduction and the Last Goodbye

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: On and On [10]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Drama, F/M, Friendship, Future Fic, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-03 23:33:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10261523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: Love triangles only happened in junior high and on television.  The rest of it was people refusing to be honest with themselves and those they supposedly loved.





	

“ _When Harry Met Sally_ is the prototype.” Liv said as they walked up the stairs. “The film itself is nearly perfect and it ushered in the modern age of the romantic comedy.”

“I won't say it’s nearly perfect but it is pretty golden.”

“The problem is that everything after tries too hard to copy it. They don’t take the good things about it and make them gooder, they just take the theory on paper and beat it like a dead horse with stale scripts and mediocre casting. They did the same with _Gladiator_. Different genre, same premise. Actually, I think _Braveheart_ came before and _Gladiator_ kinda perfected it.”

“Did you just say gooder?” Nathan asked.

“You know what I mean. There are notable exceptions; _Imagine Me and You_ and _Kissing Jessica Stein_ both come to mind. The latter was written by two women between they still fall into some of the old tropes.”

“Notice that they're both considered LGBTQ films.”

“Hmm,” Liv dug her keys out of her purse. “That’s an interesting twist on the conversation that I hadn’t thought about.”

“The rom-com trope trap conversation was already fascinating. Add some LGBTQ flavor and we could go for hours.”

“I’ll make some half-caff then.” She looked at him and smiled.

“Excellent.” Nathan smiled too.

They walked into the condo and Liv was surprised to see the living room empty. Every Thursday night for the past six weeks she would come home at various times to Ed Tucker sitting on her couch. He would be knitting, reading his kindle, or passing the time with his phone. Not seeing him there made Liv’s stomach drop but she was sure he had to be close by. 

Nothing was out of place, there was just the usual toys and chaos. Even his phone was sitting on the coffee table. She knew he would never leave Noah alone, not even for a smoke break. And if the craving got to be too much she would have seen him out front on the way in.

“I'm going to check on Noah. I’ll be right back.”

“Do you want me to put the coffee on?” Nathan asked. “If it’s a Mr. Coffee or a Keurig I can handle it. Anything fancier and I'm all thumbs.”

“I have both but you can use the Mr. Coffee. Everything you need is in the cabinet directly above it.”

“Excellent. Shall we synchronize watches?”

“I think we’re good.”

Laughing, they went their separate ways. Liv went into Noah’s bedroom and Nathan walked into the kitchen. It was a small space; he bumped his elbow twice fiddling with the radio until he found Tears for Fears. Making the coffee, Nathan sang along to _Everybody Wants to Rule the World_. Things only became slightly awkward when he was confronted by a handsome older gentleman in a Superman tee shirt and a pair of gray boxer briefs.

“Hello.” Nathan put on his best smile.

“Hi.”

“You must be Ed Tucker.”

“I am.”

“Excellent to meet you. I'm Nathan Davies, Liv and I are friends.”

“Good to meet you.” Ed extended his hand. “Please excuse my attire, or lack thereof.”

“Not a problem. I walk around my place in my boxers all the time.”

“This isn't my place,” Ed said. “It’s Liv’s.”

“True.” Nathan seemed unfazed.

“Where is Liv?”

“She's checking on Noah. I'm making us some coffee, would you like to join us?”

“Well…”

“Hey, Ed, I was wondering where you were.” Liv walked out of Noah’s bedroom. “We…oh my god, where are your pants?”

“I had a spill.” He walked over to the laundry nook, between Liv’s bedroom and the kitchen, and took his cargo pants from the washer. “I had to use the bathroom before popping them into the dryer. I didn’t expect you to bring company up; I'm sorry.”

“No need to apologize to me.” Nathan said. “Dad to dad, spilling things on our pants is pretty regular. You’ve got at least a half hour until those are dry…you should have a cup of coffee.”

Ed looked from Nathan to Liv. This was awkward, but mostly because he wasn’t wearing pants. Nathan seemed like a solid guy with a friendly face. He almost reminded Ed of the actor who played Phil Coulson; the hair, the hairline, the black rimmed glasses, the face both goofy and serious. He was wearing a cartoon version of the character on a purple tee shirt with dark jeans and Chuck Taylors. Liv had a thing for that actor. He spoke with what sounded like a British accent, could've been Scottish, and seemed completely at ease in the strange situation. Liv just looked mortified.

“Its fine, Ed.” Liv cleared her throat and tore her eyes away from her ex in a pair of gray boxer briefs. The man was still taking excellent care of his body. “You should have a cup of coffee if you want.” She moved into the kitchen, starting gathering what she needed to make the coffee how they liked it.

“Sure.” He nodded. “It wasn’t what he wanted but he also wasn’t going to be able to leave until his pants were dry.

“Nice socks, by the way.” Nathan said. “He lifted the hem of his jeans. “I too am an argyle fan.”

“They were a gift from my daughter. I'm grateful that she thinks about socks more than I do or my feet would be bare.”

“My poppet picks out my socks too.” Nathan laughed. “I've got a lot of Wonder Woman and now Rainbow Brite. The Rapunzel ones are a favorite.”

“How old is your daughter?” Ed asked. He sat down on a stool on the other side of the counter. No need to keep drawing attention to the fact that he was pants less.

“She’ll be eight in September. She sipped second grade so she’ll be going into fourth; she has a high IQ like her old man. This only makes things 20 times more difficult for me in some pretty hilarious ways.”

“Mine is starting college in the fall.”

“Holy moly man, would you like a bit of whiskey in your coffee?”

“I'm good.” Ed said.

“We were discussing rom-com tropes.” Liv jumped into the conversation as she put out coffee mugs. “Tonight we saw the new Mila Kunis film and it fell into all the traps.”

“Liv said they should use _When Harry Met Sally_ as a road map, not a Bible.” Nathan said.

“It ushered in the age of the new romantic comedy.” Ed said.

“That’s what I said.” Liv pointed to herself.

“I feel a lot of the failures happen because the beginning of these films plays everything for laughs.” Ed said. “Love is a journey. It has drama, tragedy, banter; it can also be funny. I think when the goal is only to be funny, or outrageous as possible, of course you're going to fall into all the traps. You're telling one piece of the story over and over again.”

“Fascinating.” Nathan said. “Perhaps this is why we see the exception in LGBTQ oriented films…they don’t want to be just goofy. They often feel the need to be serious as well.”

“Interesting train of thought.” Ed added creamer to his coffee. He often just drank it black but was in the mood for something different tonight. “The only one I can think of off the top of my head is _Kissing Jessica Stein_ but that straight twist at the end kinda ruined it for me.”

“So what's your favorite film, Ed?” Nathan asked.

“You might not want to get him started.” Liv laughed as she sat down beside Nathan at the counter. Film conversations with Ed can go from entertaining to out of your element very quickly.”

“I'm not that bad. I try not to be that bad.” He smiled some.

“I'm intrigued, I love film.” Nathan said. “Shall we do it by genre?”

“Why not, I'm game. Liv, feel free to jump in at any time.”

“The conversation hasn’t even started yet and I already see it going over my head. “I watch movies for entertainment and now I'm having coffee with Siskel and Ebert.”

“Oh no, no, no.” Nathan took her hand and squeezed it. “The way you broke down _When Harry Met Sally_ ; you're going to be just fine. I'm sure of it. So Ed, classic films?”

“My emotional answer will always be _Peyton Place_. But my rational answer is _Bridge on the River Kwai_.”

“Ahh, Sir Alec Guinness.” Nathan nodded. “Probably Lean’s best film but many would say _Lawrence of Arabia_ because it’s _Lawrence of Arabia_ and Peter O’Toole is one of the finest, underrated actors who ever lived. Not underrated by movie fans but the film industry.”

“The cinematographer is one of the best in the business.” Ed said. “A lot of the best ones come from Britain…they have a way with the camera.”

“ _Lawrence of Arabia_?”

“No, I meant Jack Hildyard who did _Bridge on the River Kwai_. It might have one of the best final scenes in all of cinema.”

“Agreed, agreed.” Nathan nodded. “Do you know who did the cinematography for _Lawrence of Arabia_?”

“Oh God, Nath, are you sure you're ready for this? Ed has an encyclopedic knowledge of cinematography. It’s like something off Jeopardy.”

“I don’t like to brag, but she's right.” Ed said.

“Teach me. Hurry before your pants dry and you have to leave.”

“Well, F.A. Young did _Lawrence of Arabia_ and he also happens to be one of the most distinguished cinematographers in the film industry. Where do I even begin…?”

***

“He's a good friend of hers but it’s not a boyfriend situation, which is good since he caught me there in my underwear, which is not good. Anyway, he was a very nice guy, cordial, smart; we talked cinematography. I left as soon as my pants were dry though. What?”

“What?” Michelle came out of the haze of her own thought. She'd only half been listening, which wasn’t good but stories about Liv didn’t hold her interest. She held up her hand, got their server’s attention and ordered another mimosa.

“The look on your face.” Ed said.

“I have a look on my face.”

“I'm not sure, that’s why I'm curious.”

“I would hope we have something better to discuss amongst ourselves than the man Olivia Benson isn't dating.” She cut off a piece of her egg white and spinach omelet. “If not then I'm probably not the person you should have invited out today.”

“I'm sorry, Chelly. It was just a weird, funny story and I thought it might make you laugh.”

“I'm not laughing.” She shook her head.

“I see that. Wow,” Ed reached across the table for her hand. “I just went on and on and you could give two fucks, which is fine because you shouldn’t. I was going to ask you why didn’t you stop me but I didn’t, aren’t you proud of me. That question puts the onus on you when I should be asking myself why I started in the first place. Ahh, there's a smile.”

“You are something else.”

“How so?”

“On paper, everything about you says immovable object stuck in his ways. Then you say something like that and I'm reminded how much you can learn, want to learn, and have learned with the right guidance and a dose of the patience of Job.”

“Am I that bad?” Ed asked laughing.

“No, mostly you're not.” Michelle nodded thanks when the server returned with her drink. “Tell me what's going on with you.”

“My schedule is settling down again. Noah and I have done some overnight weekends and had a lot of fun. He and Sean play Mario Kart and he wants to introduce him to Harry Potter but I think he might still be too young for some of the themes. It’s something I’ll discuss with Liv before we make the final decision. It might be good to read together but he probably can't and shouldn’t read it on his own.”

“My ex and I agreed on very little where the girls were concerned. I told him it was imperative that he get his ass out of his ass; even if we weren't together we were still parents. He didn’t listen.”

“But your girls turned out OK.” Ed said.

“It takes a village, Edward.”

“Oh, agreed. Before I came along, Noah had an Uncle squad and he still does.”

They ate in silence for a little while and Michelle enjoyed it. Ed came to Brooklyn on a rainy Saturday afternoon for brunch. She almost called to cancel the plans as she had a long week but they hadn’t seen each other in almost three weeks and she missed his face. The truth was that she had never intended for Ed Tucker to become a part of her life like he had. 

She’d had casual relationships before, so had he, and they both seemed fine with that. Michelle was such a busy woman; anything that wasn’t career or kids was something she had to make the space and time for. Somehow Ed became that something. But things were about to change as they always did. Michelle didn’t want this brunch to end without addressing that.

“So, what's happening with you?” Ed asked. “I feel like it’s been forever since we’ve talked but I just saw you two weeks ago.”

“With Noah.” Michelle said.

“Yeah. By the way, he's a bit fascinated with how you do the voices in bedtime stories. I'm not going to complain that you're stealing all of dad’s thunder, but…”

“I promise to stop stealing all of your thunder. Fall semester is about to begin so I won't be around as much as I have been during the summer. I'm teaching four classes and a seminar, I’ll have my office hours and my advisees, and my lecture schedule is probably heavier than it should be. I'm also preparing for my sabbatical in the spring. Farrin and I have a lot of work to do before we have even more work to do. Down time isn't something I’ll have much of.”

“That’s disappointing to hear.” Ed said.

“It’s surely for the best.”

“How so? Why would it be?”

“Well Ed, we can't keep playing this game forever. Don’t ask me what game because you're a smart man and I also don’t like having my intelligence insulted.”

“I know that.” he nodded.

“So talk to me.”

“Would you be angry if I said I didn’t know what to say?”

“Talk to me.” Michelle said it more assertively. “Don’t talk to me like the potential spurned lover or the pussy that you're about to stop getting. Talk to me like you used to before our relationship began to revolve around someone else.”

Ed sighed and asked for a coffee refill. He really didn’t know what to say, which bothered him because he always did. He'd done wrong by Michelle, was about to lose her, and he would be alone. But his stupid heart was aching for someone else. Actually, it was aching for two women at the same time. 

No, that wasn’t really possible. It wasn’t and he didn’t plan to convince himself that it was. Love triangles only happened in junior high and on television. The rest of it was people refusing to be honest with themselves and those they supposedly loved.

“I never really stopped loving her. God knows I tried, but with her and Noah I had a family again. I tried holding it together with the strength of Samson for a year and half, only to watch it slip through my fingers like sand. When it was over I had no choice but to move on.”

“That didn’t make it easy.” Michelle said.

“No.” Ed shook his head. He thanked the server when his coffee arrived and added two sugar cubes. He was back to black again; he liked it the best. “Time helped but it took damn near a year for my heart not to ache every day. I've never loved anyone like I loved Liv. And I wanted Noah to be my son even then.”

“I know all about heartache.”

“When I saw her in that store, I felt like it was a second chance. For what, I wasn’t even sure. Liv has a lot of issues. Those issues made it impossible for us to have a healthy relationship. All of that seemed to fall away when I saw her again, except it didn’t. 

“That’s just your mind playing tricks on you. Wanting to be Noah’s father, strengthening my relationship with him and giving him two parents who love him more than life itself, had nothing to do with trying to get closer to Liv. I loved and lost Noah too and this was my chance to make it right. I could make up for mistakes in my own past with my other kids.”

“A six year old doesn’t come without his mom, Tucker.”

“I lied to myself. I convinced myself that I was over it; that any surge of feelings was natural because it had been three years and it was like new again. I pushed them down because I couldn’t be carrying a torch after three years…I had moved on.”

“Except you hadn’t.”

“I never should've dragged you into this.” Ed said. “That’s what I did, you know. Of course you know. I felt something for you, something good and strong; feel something for you, Chelly. I thought if I just worked harder on that then the reemerging feelings for Liv would fall by the wayside. They weren't real and my feelings for you were. I made it about me and didn’t really think, not with enough consideration anyway, what that was like for you.”

“Ding, ding, ding; tell our contestant what he's won.” Michelle smiled some but there was nothing triumphant about it. 

She was well within her right to smite and hate Ed Tucker for what he'd done. It was deceitful and it hurt. She was even mad at herself for continuing to believe that it was done with no intent, malice, or forethought. But he never fucked Michelle to forget Liv. He honestly wanted to be with the woman who made him feel good and not the one that hurt him, she was sure of that. 

Lots of people would've made the same decision. The problem was that the longer he was around Liv, the more he remembered and internalized all the feelings that came before the hurt. And suddenly they were a few steps from fucking Michelle to forget Liv. She couldn’t let that happen, not to herself and not to Ed. 

They both deserved better. If she was in a different place in her life Michelle might not think so. But she had been in a good place for a long time and that’s where she wanted to stay. If others chose to slide back, so be it. She couldn’t go with them.

“Chelly…”

“I can't be your Rose.” She said.

“You’ve said that before. I don’t know what that means.”

“Rose was a nurse at Seattle Grace Hospital. When Meredith and Derek had their ‘it’s really, really over’ breakup Derek started dating Rose. This made Rose nervous; she had feelings for Derek. But anyone with eyes knew that she was just a temporary stop on the Mer-Der Endgame Express. Both Meredith and Derek tried to convince her that this wasn’t the case and that they really were over. Where do you think Rose ended up?”

“If Derek is McDreamy, then I can imagine.”

“Derek is McDreamy.” She nodded.

“Goddammit.” Ed closed his eyes. “I'm so sorry, Chelly. You are not Rose…you matter to me. You're not a stop on the Endgame Express.”

“I know, which is exactly why we’re having this difficult conversation. You would've danced around it for too long…you have been already. I don’t have that luxury. You are a fantastic distraction, Tucker, but it’s time for me to go back to work.”

“But I, I don’t…” Ed cleared his throat, not quite sure what to say next. He never had these kinds of conversations with anyone. Everyone talked about honesty but from what he saw it wasn’t practiced all that much. It always was with Michelle, which was both exhilarating and frightening as hell. He felt like he was falling but was quite aware he was standing still. It was the most horrible feeling and Ed quickly remembered where he'd felt it before. “I really care about you.”

“I know that, and it was quite delightful before the woman you still loved showed up. But we both made the decision, mostly, that casual was best. I'm a realist and always have been. The reality is that you care for me but you're in love with Olivia. 

“More important than that, I am busy and can hardly stand to add another thing to my schedule. I’m so excited for all the amazing things coming down the pike for me; I worked so hard for them. I don’t have time to devote to you, Ed; you're wonderful but also a little needy. Don’t change though…you're mostly wonderful. I would rather we go our separate ways and know the next time we see each other is a reason to be happy.”

“Whenever I'm with you, I am happy. You changed my life. I was floating out here, not sure where I was going to land. You helped me get my feet back on the ground. You made me realize that I still have much to offer and a lot to learn. I owe…”

“You owe me nothing.” Michelle shook her head. “Feel free to give me your friendship, your affection, even your tireless need to be a hero. But you don’t owe me anything. When people start telling you that you owe them, quickly find your exits.”

“I'm afraid I don’t want to let go.” He reached for her hand again. “That’s selfish as hell and I swear it has nothing to do with wanting to have my cake and eat it too. I just…you’ve been there for me. You’ve been a grounding force. And you never asked for a damn thing, which is endearing and also maddening. I’m sorry.”

“I'm not. We had a great time together for the most part. But even great things come to an end. My Nan would tell me to let go completely, that a woman never wants just pieces of a man, but I like you too much to do that. Besides, the parts I like the most won't get us in too much trouble when you eventually reunite with your baby mama.”

“Oh God, that’s never going to happen. I've set myself up for years of failure and disappointment. I'm too old for this shit.” Ed rolled his eyes.

“This is the last thing I'm going to say about Olivia Benson. Then I'm going to order another mimosa and when I'm done we’ll go back to my place and have fantastic sex…if you want her, tell her. If she doesn’t want what you're offering then the only answer is a firm no. Anything else is unfair to you both. But don’t use classic refusal when it comes to being direct about this to be unlike yourself. The Ed Tucker I know is pretty damn direct and prefers his answers like his bourbon.”

“Straight up…no chaser.”

“Exactly.” She smiled.

“We’re really going back to your place after brunch?” he asked. Ed thought he heard that part wrong. He surely didn’t deserve what he was about to get after the drama he embroiled Michelle in over the past few months.

“Mmm hmm.” Michelle nodded. She finished her mimosa and waved for the server to bring another.

“This is more about you than me, isn't it?”

“Mmm hmm.”

“But I'm encouraged to bring my A game?” Ed asked.

“Your B game is pretty good, not to be brushed aside for sure. But yes, Tucker, bring you’re A game.”

“I will. I love you, Chelly.”

“Seriously? You decide to go there now?”

“Too much?”

“If it’s true, then it’s true.” She said.

“It is. All the other shit, the past few months, the changes, that wasn’t what we built together.” Ed said.

“If I squint and tilt my head just the right way, I can picture you as Robert Duvall saying that. It felt very Duvall…but like late 80s Duvall when he was sensitive in films. Like Lonesome Dove Duvall.”

“That’s a high compliment. I know how you feel about Lonesome Dove Duvall.”

“I know.” Michelle nodded. Her mimosa was here; their time almost up. “You deserve it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

***

“Oh God, oh God, Chelly, Chelly, ohhh…”

She wrapped her leg tighter around him, lifting her hips to feel him thrust deeper. Her short nails dug into his hips. She could've cried out his name, which she had earlier. She could've screamed, but Michelle waited. It was coming, she could feel it all the way from the tips of her toes. She planned to give it all the fanfare it deserved.

“Are you alright, sweet thing?” Ed smiled when she caressed his face. She wasn’t usually so quiet and that caused some concern.

“Just make me cum, Tucker.” She took his hand and licked his fingers.

“I don’t need to make you wet…it’s a waterfall down there.”

“Can you swim?” she tried but failed to hold back her cheeky grin.

“Oh yeah; I got this.”

Ed knew her clit very well. They'd been good in bed together from the beginning and only got better over time. She'd taught Ed a few things and he found that he was eager to learn. He loved that he could satisfy her because Michelle wasn’t easy to satisfy. So he circled her clit with his thumb, nibbling across her neck and thrusting into her. She liked overstimulation. She loved his overstimulation.

“Don’t stop.” she moaned, arching her back off the mattress. “Don’t you stop! Oh shit, oh Ed…!”

“Say my name.” he whispered roughly in her ear before sucking her earlobe.

“Make me, you son of a bitch.”

He would, he would make her and she knew that as well as he did. He knew how close she was; felt her lower body quivering beneath him. Her thighs were liquefying around him.

“Edward!” she cried out, gripping him and the sheets.

There it was, she called out his full name or his government name as she referred to it when they were joking around. The strangled whimper an octave above her normal range made him come as well. Ed collapsed on top of her. Michelle could handle it and she loved the weight of him. 

He listened to their heavy breathing and the rain falling outside. It would really be hard to leave her arms when the time came. She was stronger than him; it was something he'd always been aware of. It was something he'd probably used to his advantage.

“Goddamn.” She stroked her fingers through his hair. Michelle couldn’t help but smirk at the way he reacted to her touch. “I'm gonna miss this dick.”

“That was amazing.” He captured her lips in a passionate kiss. Hearing things about his dick used to mortify Ed, he didn’t know how to react to it, but that was just who Michelle was. He got used to it after a while. She didn’t have brakes in her comfortable, everyday conversation…she definitely didn’t when it came to dirty talk.

“It’s all about the A game, Tucker. Never forget that.”

“Yes ma'am.”

“Where are your pants?”

“Is it time to go already?” Ed went to hoist himself off her but she held on.

“I didn’t say move. Can you guess where your pants are?”

“Conventional wisdom says the floor on the side of the bed. Unless we've been drinking that’s where they end up.”

“I've been drinking.” She kissed the side of his mouth.

“I haven’t.”

“I need a smoke.” She said.

“They're in my pocket.”

She released him from her hold. Ed gently pulled out, working off the condom as his back hit the mattress. Throwing it in the can beside the bed, Ed reached down and grabbed his khakis from the floor. He slipped two Marlboro Milds between his lips, lit them, and handed one to Michelle.

“Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

She propped her pillows up and relaxed. The sheet stuck to her but the cool from the air conditioner helped. Out of her peripheral vision she could see Ed looking at her. She let him as she focused on her cigarette. Before he could say anything, his pants started buzzing. Ed took it from his pocket, looked at it, and answered it. He gave Michelle a regretful look but she focused on her cigarette.

“Hello.”

“Hi.” Liv said. “I know it’s really short notice but Noah wore me down on Pizza Playville. I told him that I'd take him tonight and he asked if dad could come. It’s perfectly alright if you can't but I promised him that I would call. Nathan and his daughter Clo are coming too…I don’t want anyone to be uncomfortable.”

“I wouldn’t be uncomfortable.” Ed said. “Would you be uncomfortable?”

“No.” Liv replied, sounding as if she would be.

“Are you talking about the Pizza Playville in Brooklyn?”

“Yes. It’s nicer than the one in Alphabet City.”

“Well I'm in Brooklyn right now handling some business. What time?”

“Five. I figured I'd get him some pizza and let him tire himself out so I can relax in the evening.”

“I can be there.”

“Are you sure?” Liv asked.

“Yeah. But if you just want it to be you and Nathan then that’s fine too. I'm going to see Noah tomorrow.”

“I don’t want to be horrible.”

“You didn’t even have to call me.” Ed looked at his phone and then looked at Michelle. She kept smoking.

“I promised Noah that I would.”

“Oh c'mon, it’s OK to lie to your kid sometimes. It’s a lot less embarrassing than this is.”

“I didn’t mean to make you angry, Ed.”

“I have to go.” He said. “I’ll pick up Noah tomorrow at one. Have fun tonight.”

“I'm sorry, I just…”

“See ya, Liv.”

He ended the phone call and tossed the phone to the bottom of the bed. He put out his first cigarette, immediately lit another, and leaned his head back on Michelle’s chest. She was taking her time with her cigarette, and it seemed to be lasting. Like all things at her fingertips, it was magic.

“Am I an idiot?” he asked.

“Sometimes.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“You didn’t expect me to be honest?”

“No, I did. I'm getting too old for this shit.” Ed grumbled.

“You mentioned that earlier.” Michelle smirked, wrapping her arm around his neck. She was done with her cigarette but she took his for a few last puffs before handing it back.

“Do you have plans for tonight?”

“Food, wine, probably a movie. I promised myself I wouldn’t work down to the nub this weekend. I have a lot coming soon…I deserve this weekend. I’ll call a few friends, see if anyone wants to come over and talk.”

“About me? Oh God,” Ed laughed. “First of all, don’t tell me because I don’t want to know. Second, I'm well aware of how stupid and sexist that sounded. I can't take it back but I apologize.”

“Well as long as you know, apology accepted.” Michelle said. “It’s not like my friends and I haven’t talked about you. But it’s more likely to be about books, history, politics, memories, or Denzel’s greatest role…important things.”

“We all know its _Fallen_.”

“Shut up.”

“No, seriously, he was great in that. I never understood why the film wasn’t better received. I bet if critics went back and watched it now, more than half of them would change their thoughts about it. It wasn’t perfect but it was damn good.”

“I love _Fallen_.” She said.

“I know that.”

“And I'm just finding out today that you do?”

“No, we've had the Denzel conversation. It was our third date at Capricorn. I think you were testing me.”

“Your memory is long.”

“When it comes to you, it is.”

“That’s us, Tucker, memories.”

“Yeah.” He sighed and handed off the last of his cigarette to her.

“You should probably get out of my bed.”

“When am I going to see you again?” he didn’t want to leave but staying was improbable. If letting go of certain aspects of their relationship was a big mistake, it was one that was already made. It hadn’t been made by Ed but that was because he didn’t have the courage in this case. He got up and started to dress.

“I don't know, as I said I'm about to get really busy. I wasn’t just making that up to make this easier. Call me, I might be able to squeeze in a lunch…I know your schedule is more flexible than mine. You know what, don’t call me for a while.”

“I get it.”

“That doesn’t mean forever.” Michelle said.

“I know; just a respectable amount of time.”

“Yeah.” She nodded.

“I don’t want to say goodbye.” He said.

“We’ll always have Capricorn. And apparently in-depth conversations about Denzel’s greatest role.”

“It’s an important conversation.” Ed pulled his Polo shirt over his head. It was almost time.

“I find no space to disagree. C'mere.”

Ed sat back down on the bed. Michelle took his face in her hands; she kissed his nose and his lips.

“I didn’t tell you enough but I love your pretty blue eyes, Tucker.”

“Thank you.”

“Go out of there and get what you want out of life.”

“What if it doesn’t work out?” he asked. “What if it’s not the right thing for me?”

“Dammit, do I have to do all the hard work…c'mon! You find the strength you need to move on either way. It’s in there, I've seen it. You won't grab hold of it because you're not ready. A day will come when you will be; you'll feel yourself crossing that threshold and there'll be no turning back. And don’t you ever put another woman in the Rose box; it’s Meredith or nothing; do you understand me?”

“I'm really going to have to watch more Shonda Rhimes shows.”

“Yeah, you are.” Michelle kissed him again. “Go.”

“OK.”

He couldn’t say goodbye so he didn’t. He stood outside of her apartment in the rain like a rejected suitor for longer than normal. But Ed was no Lloyd Dobler so he eventually made his way to the train, back to Hell’s Kitchen for a pretty quiet late afternoon and evening with his knitting project and his dog. Somewhere in that time, Olivia left a message on his phone though Ed didn’t remember hearing or feeling it vibrate.

“ _Hi. I'm sorry about earlier. I have this tendency to do awkward things and then double down, which makes it a disaster. You were right, I should've either not called you or offered a real invitation. I'm sorry. Noah had a good time but he's much more excited about spending time with dad tomorrow. I’ll see you when you come to pick him up_.”

Ed listened to the message twice and then erased it. There was nothing between the lines, no reason to make it more than what it was. It was genuine enough but also too little, too late. Perhaps that was the entire definition of his relationship with Olivia. And Ed knew what a bad idea it was to play it over and over again.

***


End file.
